“Stop doing that, you could get hurt.” “Come down from there!” “If you don’t come down right now, you’re going to be in big trouble!” “You wait til your father gets home!”
Sound familiar?
Whether they are things you remember hearing as a child or direct quotes from your mouth today, you have probably heard these phrases at some point. Sometimes these are followed by more words (i.e. – bribes, threats), and other times they are followed by actions (taking something away or a spanking).
Question: At what point did behavior actually change?
Follow up: How long did that change last?
Proverbs 29 speaks at multiple points about discipline. Let’s look at it all together and see what we can glean as a summary.
“He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing.”
“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
“Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”
“By mere words a servant* is not disciplined, for though he understands, he will not respond.”Proverbs 29:1, 15, 17, 19 (ESV)
*Yes, I know that last one says “servant”, but it’s about discipline so it’s included. No, I don’t think children are servants.
If it is true that one often reproved who doesn’t change becomes broken, then we must endeavor to reprove as effectively as possible to minimize the likelihood of that happening. So what are the overarching principles that remain?
I believe there are three.
- If we love our children, we will discipline them.
- Active discipline yields results. Mere words do not.
- All kids are not the same when it comes to discipline.
If we love our children, we will discipline them.
This point seems fairly straightforward. The message in Proverbs is the same as the message in Hebrews 12. It’s the same reason God disciplines us when we need it. Reproof helps us to stay on the best path and avoid unnecessary hurts.
Active discipline yields results.
Remember those phrases at the beginning? I don’t believe, “Behave yourself,” or other sayings like it really work unless they are backed up by something. That something might be a spanking, a timeout, dealing with natural consequences, being grounded, or losing a privilege. Whatever it is, it’s SOMETHING, and that’s when reproof works. Just words aren’t going to cut it. However, what that something is might vary wildly from kid to kid.
All kids are not the same.
When my oldest was small, when reproof was required, a quick timeout or loss of privilege with an explanation why it happened often did the trick. With Number 2?Ha! Not so much. He was (and still can be) way more stubborn than that. Discipline took more effort. With my daughter? Just a stern talking to and timeout was borderline devastating. The reality is that kids are different, and your reproof toolbox needs to accommodate those variations. Spanking is not the “be all, end all” when it comes to discipline. And it doesn’t make you anti-biblical if you don’t want to spank. The key, the overarching principle of God’s Word is this: Actively Discipline your kids in a way that works! Asked differently, “Does God always use the exact same disciplinary technique on His people?” No! He does what works best for the individual requiring reproof. We should be no different.
Final thoughts
As I type this post, I look around my office and I’m surrounded by pictures of my kids. It’s caused me to think, “How well have a disciplined them?”
The answer? Imperfectly.
Sometimes, I’m inconsistent. Sometimes, I’m angry. Sometimes, I’m tired. Bottom line: I have not been perfect in how I’ve disciplined my children. You won’t be either. But, if we operate by the principles laid out in Scripture, and we improve a little each day/week/month/year, then we have the opportunity to raise the kids that give delight to our hearts long after they stop being kids.
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